I cried today...
I cried today.
I cried while *trying* to cuddle my two year old, while her baby brother cried in the living room with his daddy trying everything to calm him.
My anxiety is killing me.
I cried today, because I still can't figure out this being a mom of two thing, and feel like I'm failing everyday.
I. Am. Overwhelmed.
If one's not crying, the other is. The dishes are overflowing, the laundry piling up, counters sticky, and toys are EVERYWHERE.
I cried today because I am incredibly blessed, but have a hard time feeling that way sometimes.
When all I want is to not be touched. To have some peace and quiet. To clean the house without having a toddler attached to my ankle and a screaming baby in his swing. I forget that I am lucky.
I cried today because my two year old is going through things I just don't understand and don't know how to handle.
I know she is a toddler and they are learning who they are, but she is going through something that is making her aggressive, more than she has ever been. I can only guess being a big sister, realizing her baby brother is here to stay and that she isn't getting adequate cuddles and alone time, she is acting out big time. And I don't know how to make it all better.
I cried today because I can't handle everything and wonder why God thought I could handle two babies under three.
Why He thought I would make a good and patient mom.
I cried today because I'm neglecting my husband.
He works hard to provide for us. Allows me to be home with our two blessings. Cooks us dinner every night, and even serves me my food while I'm stuck on the couch breastfeeding our son. He helps as much as he can. Yet I can't give him the attention and love he deserves.
I cried today because all I want to do is be perfect.
The perfect mom. The perfect housewife. The perfect woman.
But I just can't.
I don't want to admit it, as most moms don't, but postpartum depression is real. No matter how much I try to hide it, try to pretend I'm ok, deep down I am crying everyday. Deep down I wonder why I feel so sad and overwhelmed, despite being so extremely lucky to have what I have. My husband asks me all the time if I am ok, and I nod my head and say yes.
Luckily he realizes that sometimes, that is a lie. That sometimes I need the extra help.
I have a lot to work on as a mom, but first, I need to work on me for myself. I need to remember that without self care, I cannot be the mother and wife my family deserves. And that it is ok to say I have reached my limit and need help.
It's so hard to talk about and easier to write about, but...
I SUFFER FROM POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION.
I just show it in different ways. I don't need a doctor to diagnose me. I don't need (or want) medication. I just need reminders that I am doing the best I can. That what I am going through is normal.
That God chose me to be a mom, because he knew I could handle it.
If you are going through postpartum depression, I ask that you message me. Know that I am more than happy to talk with you, listen to you and to help you realize that what you are going through is normal.
You are amazing, and a wonderful mother. No matter how much you feel like you are failing.